Diary, lifestyle, Personal Thoughts, Uncategorized

Adrift

I’m surrounded by my amazing friends and family. I got lucky with my parents and my brother. I did not choose them, I was handed them on a silver platter. I did choose my friends. I did not exactly orchestrate the timeline of the friendships but I nurtured and worked hard to maintain them. When I look at the people around me, I realize that I admire so much in each and every one of them and I make sure they know it too.

This leaves me thinking about how others see me? Actually, does it even matter how they see me? Because all that really matters is how I see myself. I cannot see myself being great at anything. If ANYBODY compliments my face, my personality, my toes, my room, I will dig for certain bias or predisposition that may contribute to them making that positive statement. In other words, I believe my friend is telling me I’m funny because she’s my friend , obviously she has to say that. My mother? Well of course she thinks I’m pretty, she gave birth to me! And this random guy at the party who decides to ask for my number? Well it was dark, he didn’t see me, he probably saw me dancing and drinking and thought I would be an easy target. Honestly, I find myself thinking every day, why does anybody want to be a part of my life? What do I contribute? Most of the time, I feel like I have really nothing to offer.

Why is it that I can see the potential in everyone except for myself? I do feel like maybe I did have something to offer but I made the wrong turn so many times that at some point I completely lost my way. Obviously there were circumstances beyond my control, but I feel like the majority of the wreck that has become my life is my fault. I try so many things that don’t work out. I put so much effort in so many different ventures, personal experiences and relationships that just do not work out. It’s like no matter what I do does not affect what is meant to happen. I feel like I’ve allowed myself to fall into this pattern of …why bother? I have not lost all hope…but I don’t know if I’ll ever figure it out.

– Moana Feels

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