A few years ago, I made a conscious decision to avoid my emotions. I was always a very emotional person but I decided that I would not let it lead my life or my interactions with the opposite sex. Once in a while, I would download a dating app, try it for a few days, remember why I hate them and delete it ( I always wondered if anybody else does this). This time , I started talking to a guy who just moved here from the England for a new job. I asked him the necessary questions: Are you married ? Do you have kids ? Are you in a relationship? etc. He told me he was married before and he has two kids living with their mother in England. I wanted to be sure so I asked him if he’s still technically married and he said no. He was very polite and surprisingly easy to talk to. Before long, I was itching to delete the app again so we exchanged numbers and started texting on a regular basis.
About a week later, we met in person for the first time, at a restaurant downtown. I realized that because I was emotionally unavailable, It was easy for me to discuss things with him freely without being afraid or caring whether he would judge me or think of me differently. He kept asking leading questions and I kept making it clear that I’m not ready for anything serious. Our interaction was flirtatious because we were attracted to each other and it definitely took a sexual turn a few times.
The turning point was when he finally got me to admit why I was emotionally unavailable. When I told him, his response was to offer patience and to take sex off the table until we’re ready. That gave me the courage to admit that the only thing that I think I could handle at the moment was ” Intense sexual contact ” with someone. When I said that he was surprised but completely on board. I was nervous because I had never had that kind of relationship with anyone before, so I kept avoiding seeing him again.
I’ll never forget the details that led to the first time. It was rainy Sunday afternoon and one of my friends came over so I could do her hair. I had been texting him all day and he was hinting that I should stop by. I told my friend everything. Not only had I never had that kind of arrangement with anyone but I have my insecurities about my body and I always stress about that with a new partner. She was so encouraging, she told me not to overthink it and just be safe. I texted him and told him I was on my way. Her boyfriend picked her up after I finished her hair and she convinced him to give me a ride to my first ever dick appointment.
‘Till this day I am so grateful to her for getting me to that man’s apartment. What I experienced that night was nothing short of miraculous. From the moment I walked in, he was so casual about it, which put me at ease. From the very first kiss I knew our chemistry was explosive. My insecurities quickly flew out of my mind because he worshiped every inch of my body while telling me how much he loves it. I had never felt so sexually liberated before and I was enjoying every moment of it.
When it was over, I went home and replayed the scenes in my head over and over again. He texted me to make sure I got home safely. The next day, he sent me a poem that Illustrated how much he enjoyed our encounter and hinted at the fact the he feared it would be a one time thing. I told him that we would definitely be doing it again.
I realized that although I was running away from my emotions, he embraced his and he was not afraid to tell me. I started to feel guilty, by seeing things from his point of view. He initially agreed to just sex but he started to suggest that I open up to him. Every time I attempted to open up, I was reminded of the pain I felt when I allowed myself to be vulnerable with my previous partners and I would close right back up. As a result, I started seeing him less and less, sometimes going months without seeing each other. I attempted to end the sexual relationship a few times but it didn’t work because in reality neither of us really wanted it to end.
After about 7 or 8 months of knowing each other he announced he was going on vacation to Europe. He was excited because he would get to see his kids. I was happy for him because I know how important his kids are to him. He was gone for over a month so we kept in contact. During his stay in England, I asked him about his kids and his ex-wife. That’s when he told me that he was considering staying and reconciling with his wife. I was confusedbecause I remember asking him, very specifically if he’s still technically married and he told me no. He responded that they were legally separated which to him means he’s not “technically” married.
To be continued…