We met a very long time before we met. We kept crossing paths and felt obligated to acknowledge each other, over and over again. He was not typically my type but I was intrigued. One night, despite my extreme shyness and unwillingness to make the first move I made a feeble attempt to get his attention. I was brushed off without a second glance and noticed him wrapped up with another seconds later. So I forgot about him for a while. Again, we kept crossing paths and kept on politely waving, smiling, the usual but I never forgot about that night.
One day, I received a Facebook friend request. I was surprised and a little bit curious. It was a fun Facebook messenger exchange that led to texting. Texting a guy like this was a brand new experience for me. It was weird but fun and slightly nerve-wracking. He casually asked me when was the last time I was in a relationship. At this point I’m thinking to myself : “OK for sure he’s interested now, he found me on social media, deliberately sent me his number and he’s asking me all these questions. He’s trying to get to know me right?”. With this Friendzone series, you’re gonna start to notice that it is never as simple as it seems. I casually state that I have been single for a few months and asked him the same. He then just as casually mentions that he’s in a long-term relationship. Automatically, I switched gears. I realized, he had no interest in me romantically, and my dating facade came down. I was disappointed but all of a sudden I was free to express myself and be honest. I thought to myself :”This guy doesn’t want me anyway , he’s happily taken. There’s no point in trying to be cute and pretending like it’s more than it is”. Finding out that he was taken was truly an opportunity for our friendship to grow with no restraints. He would say certain things that would, in a normal situation, make me think that he wanted more than friendship but the knowledge that he was in a committed relationship freed me from analyzing and overthinking everything.
In passing, months later, I found out that his relationship had ended. This removed my safety net. I was now free to overthink and over-analyze every aspect of our interactions. I tried not to let his new relationship status affect me. We started to do little activities together like go for ice cream , watch movies etc. I kept waiting for him to make a move, to linger, to kiss me but I got nothing. We talked about EVERYTHING, dating, life, career goals, sex, school. I realized that I could not help but want more from him. Other guys showed interest, we talked about that. We also talked about the girls he was seeing. I did all the typical obvious girl things that we do to show a guy that we’re interested and still I got nothing from him.I slowly started to just move on.
And then we kissed. Randomly, one night at his apartment, Netflix and chilling. It just happened, followed by intense touching and rolling around on his queen size bed. Even though I was glad it was finally happening, I was confused and I was not sure what it meant so I stopped It before it went any further. This was followed by an awkward drive home in silence. The next day, I panicked and vowed that I would not make a big deal about it. We texted as usual, made a few jokes, and I felt relieved and disappointed that nothing had really changed. Days later I had plans with my best friend and announced her with enthusiasm that I really wanted him and I was going to try and see what he thinks about us. She practically laughed at me. She was convinced that he just wanted sex. It didn’t take me long to realize that she was right. Later that night, I texted him. I wish I could remember how the conversation went. But basically I wanted a serious relationship and he was really clear about the fact that he did not want that. So we agreed to move forward and just forget it ever happened.
We got closer and our bond became stronger. It was more than I ever expected from a guy who was only a friend. I felt so comfortable talking to him. I dated people, searching for my serious relationship. He dated girls, having as much fun as possible. The more we shared with each other, the more I was glad that we were just friends. I wanted his respect. I wanted to be different than the rest of the girls and I started to feel like I was. Although he always let me know that if I ever changed my mind and want to just have some fun, he was there. There was a lot of flirting but my crush on him started to evolve into genuine love and appreciation. He never attempted to kiss me again. Of course there were some comments here and there but I felt like we were finally getting passed that confusing phase.
Two years later, he was once again in a stable, committed relationship. My parents went out of town for a whole week. I hadn’t seen him in months, so I invited him over. The minute we walked through the door , he grabbed me and tried to kiss me. I was so shocked and tried to move away. He pushed me against the wall, grabbed my face and slowly started sucking on my lips until I gave in. He led me to the couch where we proceeded to do everything but. I was once again conflicted but this time felt different. I felt at ease with him. In that moment I knew It was wrong because he had a girlfriend. I was sick of restraining myself. I was tired of overthinking and not living in the moment. So I decided to give myself break that night. I enjoyed his delicious kisses and savored each moment. The next day, we joked around about it and at the time I thought things could go back to the way they were…I thought I had evolved…
To be continued…